Desire Mercy Reflection 6 — Divorce & Remarriage in the Church
Reflecting on traditional beliefs about marriage, divorce, and remarriage, in light of the mercy of Jesus
In this final reflection in this series, I have summarized some key points from Divorce & Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities by David Instone-Brewer, whose work I have mentioned before in Desire Mercy — Reflection 3.
Notably, David has studied ancient marriage and divorce documents from Jewish, Rabbinic, Karaite, Aramaic, Greek, Latin, and Samaritan sources in order to understand how the scriptures regarding divorce would have been understood by the audience they were written for.
To preface the points I wish to highlight, I want to mention two perspectives regarding children when their parents divorce:
1. Quoting from Psychology Today:
“Studies have concluded that children experience less anxiety and depression when their high-conflict, married parents divorce, and those children whose parents stay married with high-conflict experience higher levels of short- and long-term behavioral and mental health issues.
At the same time, children whose divorced parents continue their high conflict (for example, by continuing litigation) do not experience the same level of relief as those whose parents were able to minimize their conflict.
So it is the conflict, and not necessarily the divorce, that puts your children at risk.”
We often believe that conflict will be resolved if we just keep working on it. However, sometimes marriage partners find that their unloving marriage partner has not demonstrated a genuine commitment to healthy conflict resolution practices over a lengthy period of time.
This realization, along with the findings outlined in the quote from Psychology Today, may reasonably give a loving parent significant reason to consider the realities of their situation.
2. From information under the title Types of Child Abuse on the Queensland Government website, we find in summary that:
At times it is in fact for the children’s emotional safety, and therefore also for their general well-being, that a parent may choose separation and divorce. This may also be in order to avoid being complicit in their children experiencing what is considered to be a form of emotional child abuse, where the children are exposed to domestic violence due to ongoing dysfunction in the home, that they do not expect to be resolved in a timely manner.
Evidently, ‘staying for the children’ by no means brings a guarantee to protect children’s well-being in a high-conflict marriage, but could in fact jeopardize their well-being.
With the children’s well-being in mind, the following are some points from David Instone-Brewer’s book. I particularly want to note them for those marriage partners who have been mistreated by their marriage partner, and who have been kept hostage by misinformation and erroneous traditional beliefs.
I am also noting David’s points for those concerned people and followers of Jesus who have understandably had trouble reconciling prevailing misinformation and traditional beliefs, with common sense, and the mercy of God.
The Biblical principles
1. Marriage is a lifetime contract between two partners and marriage vows are the stipulations of this contract.
2. Both partners vow to provide material support and physical affection and to be sexually faithful to each other.
3. If one partner breaks a marriage vow the other has the right to decide either to end the marriage with a divorce or to carry on.
4. Divorce should only take place if vows have been broken and it is always sinful to break these vows.
5. Jesus added the caveat that we should forgive an erring partner unless they break their vows continuously or without repentance.
6. Paul added the caveat that if a divorce takes place without citing broken vows, remarriage is only allowed if reconciliation is impossible.
David states that the over-riding principle in all of these is that the wronged partner must be able to choose — they must be able to decide whether to regard the marriage contract as broken or whether to persevere with it and if they have been divorced against their will in a civil court, they should be able to decide whether to attempt a reconciliation.
Possible policies for faith communities
1. The Biblical grounds for divorce are adultery, neglect, or abuse, which is equivalent to broken marriage vows.
2. No one should initiate a divorce unless their partner is guilty of repeatedly or unrepentantly breaking their marriage vows.
3. No one should separate [permanently] from their marriage partner without intending to divorce them.
4. If someone has divorced or separated without Biblical grounds, they should attempt a reconciliation with their former partner.
5. Remarriage is allowed in church for any divorcee…unless they have divorced an innocent partner who wants to be reconciled.
Regarding point 4:
Bear in mind that Biblical grounds cover a wider range of concerns than many faith communities have formerly considered valid. I would say that ‘attempting’ reconciliation has more to do with a genuine desire to consider the possibility with discernment than it does with selling up and moving back in with their former marriage partner forthwith.
Regarding point 5:
David includes ‘after a service of repentance’ in point 5. Since David very reasonably distinguishes between innocent partners, who have not broken their wedding vows, and guilty partners who did break their wedding vows, I have not included it here. It is not a commandment in scripture, so it could be included whenever appropriate, rather than arbitrarily.
My take-home points
*Marriage vows to love, honor and cherish, and be faithful, are based on providing food, clothing, and love (Exodus 21: 10–11), to love, feed and clothe (Ephesians 5: 28–29), and to be faithful to one partner (Matthew 19: 4–9)
*Broken vows include neglect, abuse, abandonment (leaving without valid grounds), and sexual unfaithfulness
*Divorce for broken vows is valid
*If permanent separation is intended, divorce is expected to follow in order to free either party to remarry where possible
*A valid divorce automatically allows for remarriage
*Remarriage should not occur if an innocent partner who has been divorced without grounds wants to reconcile
Evidently, God has been more directly merciful to us throughout the ages than has been understood for centuries, in regard to marriage, divorce, and remarriage. God is merciful. He desires mercy for us and desires for us to be merciful to each other.
Thank you David Instone-Brewer and others for the scholarly clarification that is now available to us, and to Gretchen Baskerville and others who draw conclusions from scripture as a whole, reassure us from research and statistics, and draw the same conclusions that the ancient scrolls and papyri have now confirmed for some time.
Gretchen Baskerville’s image below reminds us that the safety of a human being is at stake when a marriage partner is being abused. Rather than block our ears against what we have not understood, surely we ought to follow Jesus’ example, and desire mercy for those who are innocent, unloved, and abused by their marriage partner?
‘It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.’ Galatians 5:1
Read more in the Desire Mercy series, or find them all in one story, Marriage & Mercy:
Sharon Roberts-Radic is grateful for life, freedom, mercy, and Jesus.
